Cheeky Coconut Smoothy Lo

Well, why would he self censor his thoughts? This bit got me and didn't make sense, perhaps it was a mistake: "He heard the sirens behind him, but still didn’t ...

Aside from wondrous gaining an apostrophe it seems to be better. :) Now time to delve into the depth of this poem... First thing, it lacks meter and pattern. Rather ...

I agree, this is not poetry and cannot be based on such merits as meter and pattern. Prose is such an usual piece of work to critique, but this doesn't ...

The names are rather annoying and very foreign, but the concept of the story is not. I can't help but also question the way in which you present the story ...

The character is really that kind of person who most people don't like and don't want to comfort or help. The weak, rich little daughter of wealthy parents, always the ...

The phone bit was way way over the top. As much as you like it, I think you should not try and put your homework or Gizmo and Gears knowledge ...

I was really taken off by this whole older and younger man issue, why do we need those words to relate to two characters? How about giving them other defining ...

Going with Whisper again on this (with others to) for fixes. Perhaps we should get an idea rather then telling the reader: "And—as if that wasn’t enough—if you could have ...

"Far-fetched. We all knew it! Never doubted that the man would fail. Well, until he showed up and changed his ways. [s]Once again, [/s][s]I was surprised, but he ready to ...

I saw a lot of mistakes, but I think Whispers91 caught them all before I could get to it. That being said, I don't really like this kind of storytelling ...

This ends like a greeting card and that is not a compliment in this case. The poem just drags on when the mood and the meaning are clear. You tell ...

"Buds, then leaves, are on your limbs, all fall off and you turn thin. But in the spring, come buds anew! Hoping to turn, to you. To give it life, ...

Rather short, could use a lot more description on Phoenix and the surroundings of the boy in chapter 1. It lacks a setting and that makes it hard to get ...

"The ocean had long since turned black with vile chemicals, but something about the view had a dark charm. The blend of opaque waves with dirty gray sand had an ...

Meter does not follow, but your best piece is: "so she sits some more in the darkness and gloom the only one in an empty room and prays for someone ...